Novice Crafting: Paper

If you’re new to the crafting world, the best way to maximize your rewards for this fun new hobby, is to find your niche. So let’s start with one novice project from each genre: today we’ll work with paper.

A little bit about me, I’m a single mom in the suburbs running a craft shop and I just love helping people out who pop into the store and are looking for creative ways to work on their mental health.  I’m so lucky to have this shop following a small mesy divorce from my former husband, personal injury attorney, ambulance chaser, real piece of shit.  I was able to heartbreak and betrayal into a little shop that makes me happy, and I want to be sure it makes other people happy too.

So let’s start with some paper party decorations. I love to make garland. It’s simple, quick, cathartic and inexpensive. And it makes a statement. Since Valentines is right around the corner, we’ll do some themed garland.

First, pick out the colors you want to use – traditionalists will lean towards red, pink and white. But I like to be a little outside of the box, so I’m going with all of the pastels.

Pour yourself a glass of wine, grab your scissors and go to work cutting out as many hearts as your hands can manage. With each little heart, you can imagine something like your shitty ex-husband the lawyer, the living cliché, the secretary fucker! You can imagine just how sad his life is how that you’re not in it. You can think about how you won – you got the house, the kids, the money, the scissors, the paper, the crafts.

Once you’ve cut out as many hearts as you can, in variety of sizes for fun, pour yourself another glass of wine and grab your sewing kit.  With whatever color thread you have around (it won’t be visible) start stitching the hearts together – either by having one long stitch through each heart, or several stitches crossing it.  Make one really long garland or a bunch of shorties.

See! That was so easy! Now you have garland AND A BUZZ!

Now the hardest part: DO NOT TEXT YOUR SHITTY EX-HUSBAND THE ATTORNEY TO BRAG ABOUT CRAFTING. Let him imagine that you’re doing literally anything else with your time. Men simply do not appreciate the catharsis that comes with paper crafting.

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